Licohater is a monthly series of creatively-negative reviews of different licorice candies. Read what a liquorice-hater has to say about Chocolate Licorice Mix Dragees.
All of the complete chocolate mastery in the entire country of Germany cannot save this licorice dragee, which is kind of crazy because I always thought that chocolate from Germany was universally the kind that didn’t make you want to raise Joffrey Lanister Baratheon from the dead so that he could have your tongue cut out for you (too soon?).
First of all, it looks like there’s a rock in this dragee, and second of all, it tastes like there’s a rock in this dragee. A rock that came from the bottom of a stagnant lake used for nuclear waste dumping. The kind of lake that two-headed fish live in. At first, you almost miss the subtle flavor of 56 years of fish excrement gently coating said rock, but by the time you’re done chewing it, you can definitely tell it’s there.
Let that image soak into your mind for a minute while I feed you another relevant term: “soft licorice.” Mm.... nice and soft, just like-- I’m not going to finish that sentence. Just gonna let your brain do all the work there. You finished with that thought? Here’s another: “covered in chocolate.” Both of those are euphemisms. Or at least they taste like euphemisms.
Maybe I’m being a little too hard on these little chocolate licorice dragees. They probably don’t deserve as much hate as I’m giving them. Let me try another.
Ooo, I’m picking up on something new here. Is that... is that salted belly button lint I’m detecting? Or is it just the regular gut-churning taste of licorice....because nobody likes licorice, stupid.
That almost sweet, almost non-poisonous tasting sugar coated shell almost tricks your brain into thinking that this is something you might want to eat. Ever. At any point in your life. But then that nuclear fish-infested licorice lake taste rears its ugly head again and you’ll wonder how you were duped into paying for this experience.